Leadership Skills

Emotional Intelligence

According to Daniel Goleman, PhD, emotional intelligence is NOT about:

• Being nice all the time
• Being touchy feely
• Being emotional

Emotional intelligence is about:

• Being honest
• Being aware of your feelings and those of others
• Being smart with your emotions

Read each of the situations below and think about the emotions you would feel in these situations: (multiple feelings are allowed)

• You have made a last minute stop at the store, and there are no parking places.
• You have just walked in on a surprise birthday party for you.
• You receive a phone call from an old friend.
• In an hour you must make a formal presentation to upper management.
• It is Friday afternoon, and you were just told that you must work this weekend.
• There is only one line at the grocery store, and it is slow.
• Two days of sick pay have been mistakenly taken out of your pay check.
• You receive an unexpected bonus in your pay check.

Reflect back on some of these situations and the feelings you indicated. What information are your receiving about the situation from your feelings?

Goleman also suggests that you assess yourself and your level of emotional intelligence.

Being Aware of Emotions

The starting point for Emotional Intelligence is being aware of your emotions.

How?

• Examine how you judge things––what are thoughts vs. what are feelings
• Be "tuned in" to your senses––ask yourself about your feelings occasionally
• Understand your patterns of behavior, i.e., your normal reactions

If we do not know ourselves and how we are feeling,
how could we ever possibly be able to understand someone else?

Another important component of self–awareness is to understand the importance of the self-talk that you use to elevate or lessen your emotions. Think about how you would complete these phrases:

• I am always _____________________
• My coworkers always ________________________
• Everyone _________________________
• Everything I do ________________________
• I never ___________________________

Did any of your replies come quickly? Were any of your responses negative? Remember that if we tell ourselves something, it is likely to come true. That means that if your outlook is negative, that will be what you encounter.

Now, think of the same phrases, and change them into positive statements. Complete these phrases:

• I am always _____________________
• My coworkers always ________________________
• Everyone _________________________
• Everything I do ________________________
• I CAN ___________________________

You probably noticed that the last statement was not identical, and that was intentional. You feel better when you think positive statements that are not even related to a specific situation. Practice and notice the impact on your life.

Managing Emotions

The second component of emotional intelligence is regulating your emotions.

How?

• Accept responsibility for your responses––you have the power to react or not
• Reframe stressful situations into ones that are productive–focus on the behavior or the problem, not the person
• Be aware of and manage your emotional triggers–diffuse them in advance

If we are in the middle of extreme emotion,
how can we make good decisions and reason well?

You receive a lot of valuable information from your emotions. You can suppress and ignore your emotions, OR you can use them to help you understand the situation.

There are several things that determine how we regulate our emotions, one of course being how we were raised. Also, our beliefs and experiences help determine how we regulate our emotions.

Things you can do to help manage your emotions:

• Use humor! If you can find something to laugh about, it will boost your mood and make you less critical.
• Take deep breaths. Increasing the oxygen flow easies tension. Plus, it will give you a moment to think before reacting.
• Remove yourself. Distancing yourself will allow you to redirect your energy.

Passions can be contagious and energizing.

Ranting and raving can cause damage beyond repair.

Managing your emotions will help you deal with the stress in your life and make you a better communicator.

Write down 3-5 "put-downs" or "killer statements" that arouse strong feelings in you. Ask yourself:

• What are your feelings exactly?
• Are there global values associated with these words? Do you have specific values that you place on these words?
• Why do you think people say these things?
• What do you think of people who say these things?
• How do you typically react? Is it to the words or to the person?
• What can you do to change your reaction?

Understanding the Impact of Emotions

The third component of emotional intelligence is to understand how emotions impact your life and others' lives.

How?

• Recognize how emotions affect your performance–think positively
• Understand your behavior style–you control what you think and feel
• Work towards a state of "flow" or harmony–focus on the task at hand

You are the most powerful of the sources of motivation
because you are where it all begins.

Some other things you can do:

• Connect goals with values. If you have work that is personally meaningful, it will engage your emotions positively.
• Visualization. Maintain a positive vision of where you are going.
• Keep learning. Increasing your knowledge and the tools you can use will make you more versatile.

Observe two people talk for five minutes about something dramatic that happened recently. Ask yourself these questions.

• Were the listeners respectful? Is that normally the case when speaking with others?
• Were the speakers respectful. Is that normal?
• Was the message understood clearly?
• Were any emotions involved in the message (either as the listener or receiver)? If so, what were they?
• Did either person display empathy? (Empathy is recognizing and responding appropriately to someone else's emotions.) By displaying empathy you create empathy in others.

Remember that you can acknowledge someone's emotions while NOT taking those emotions on as your own. You can understand the emotions and where they come from, but you are NOT responsible for them.

Using Awareness of Emotions

The final of emotional intelligence is to use awareness of emotions to manage relationships.

How?

• Analyze the relationship––know the boundaries and expectations
• Communicate at appropriate levels––make connections not build barriers
• Motivate and inspire others––share your passion and be inspiring

For every exchange of information with people
we influence each other's moods and attitudes

Building relationships does not mean creating long-term friendships. It simply means to be able to connect and exchange information. It does not need to be personal. Your goal should be maximum communication with every person you encounter. This is a huge goal, but exciting to think about. How could this look:

• Sharing passion, enthusiasm, and vision for daily work.
• Building an inspiring work environment where people are honest, open, trustworthy, and appreciated.
• Creating opportunities for brainstorming and generating fresh ideas.
• Mentoring or coaching others by sharing your knowledge and skills.

Think about someone you have worked with who seems to always have it together. Someone who does not let the "drama" in life sway him or her.

• What words would you use to describe this person?
• What words might others use?
• Is this person considered a "good" person by most people? Why?
• What skills or knowledge do you think this person has that allows him or her to pull it "together"?

Using Emotional Intelligence

Psychologists at Iowa State University found that venting increased aggression. People in both the study and control groups were insulted by a "peer." They then were allowed to punish him with a loud noise. Those in the study group punched a bag for 10 minutes (vented) before pressing the button; those in the control group waited for 10 minutes. The venters pushed the button for far longer than the control group.

When we meet someone, we decide in the first few seconds whether we like them or not. That is information gathered purely from our emotions.

Think about the people you work with or deal with daily.

• What if each person was a special gift to you?
• What do they give you (positively)?

Emotional intelligence is about using your emotions as a stimulus. It involves four components:

Emotions can be intelligent and help us make decisions
because they contain "data."

We feel before we think.